Uncharted Territory

Over the last 4 weeks I have lived in 5 different locations: Kooralbyn, Jimboomba, Hoppers Crossing, Pascoe Vale and my current location (which I am unable to reveal for my own safety (which I will talk about in another blog)). Every time I have moved I have released numerous things from material, emotional and physical. I moved to Victoria with whatever I could fit into the back of the car I hired, everything else was given away.

I had a great chat to a Yoga teacher today, she helped me realize the enormity of the choices that I have made over the last month and the courage and strength it took to be able to achieve this one goal. The release of doing just that was huge; the implications now only coming to the surface…. The reality of what I did, BIG, hence the emotional outbursts that come forth within me as I’m beginning to understand what is happening around me.

I want to scream, rant and rave, let out the aggression, anger that is building up within me. Here is my inspiring talk to myself –“WTF are you doing? Find your centre, find your strength, find your balance, find YOU… I can do this; I’ve got this… do what you came down here to do? Which is? I’m not even sure, anymore. Stop allowing outside things to influence you, stop listening to the people around you, they are just trying to get into your head to distract, to get their own way, to bully and manipulate you. Why didn’t I see that sooner? Because you were trying to please those around you, keep everyone happy, keep the peace. Oh… I love my self-talks, they are so inspiring.

While we’re at this finger pointing – I’m annoyed with myself for not taking better care of me.

I’m in a strange city, unfamiliar, so many different cultures, suburban, ethical backgrounds; I’m lost in a sea of uncharted territory, allowing the emotional tides to come and go as they renew the sand on the shores. It sounds so poetic.

Rain, rain; go away come again another day – Victoria can be miserable with the weather constantly cold and wet, the sun attempts to creep out from behind the clouds only to be overrun by darker, bigger clouds – bursting, overflowing, emotion waiting to explode down on the world below. The darkness held within, taking the negative from the people below-releasing a cleansing on the earth to renew and refresh the ground in which we all walk. A icy cold breeze – creeping into the depth of your bones – coldness from the inside out. Trying to keep warm, wrapped in scarves, gloves, beanies and layers of clothing. Warmth… coldness….. Balance of the energies within to bring harmony back into your life.

Creating the life I want, creating my very own masterpiece within me, bringing about my hearts desires in my grounding, balance, peace……piecing together the right words to express what I’m feeling is not working… just words on a screen, not making much sense at the moment. Write and rewrite… delete and write some more, copy and paste.

Wanting to scream… it’s loud on the inside… but nothing is being heard from beyond my mind… no one can hear my screams, except for me. Screaming for the release of my soul, to find my new freedom, not taking on the crap around me or allowing my old ways to fall back into a comfort zone off what once was, what my body has always known and expected from the world, but allowing only the new to remain without taking back the old. Keeping the freedom within me and not allowing the pressures of my new environment to take heed of……… Not allowing the negative and the heaviness of the new job to create a wedge between my new reality, my new experiences and my new world of discovery. My need for a Spiritual connection with like-minded people– my familiar, my soul, my family, the core of my life.

Forgetting to live in the moment, in the now – worry, concern creeps in about mundane things, have I slipped back into the way of things, allowed the scared little girl to come out , the one that doesn’t trust or believe that something great is happening, the old belief of not being good enough….

My Truth of My Reality

Reading though my journal this morning…. I realized just how much I had allowed someone to take over my thoughts, my life, my decisions and dictate the direction in which I go (not physically, it was all in my mind; I created something that wasn’t real) . I wasn’t seeing it, I was choosing to ignore what my soul was already trying to tell me , I wanted to be accepted by this person in any way possible (that included me waiting around for him to be ready or having those sexual encounters with him). Only I don’t believe he’ll ever be ready – I was connected on a soul level, yet this person was not. The soul wrenching emotion of never knowing that deep connection with someone on the same soul level. Always one sided….. been pushed away, then pulled back in; to only feel that soul been ripped apart all over again. The falsity, the delusion within my mind, created months worth of heartache, disappointment, and delays within my own growth, my own movement forward. Waiting, hoping, expecting; listening to the opinions of those around me – “I see you here”, just wait don’t give up just yet, things will change – yes maybe things will change and he’ll heal enough to except someone else into his life, but me waiting – to what extent of damage done to my very own heart, soul and journey forward?

There is nothing I can do to help him release the hurt from past relationships, or the burdens he’s left to carry. I am not responsible for his feelings or his life, I am only responsible for my own emotions, responses and my life. It’s been a hard journey and one hard lesson to learn – and I kept going back over and over again. I was willing to be there for this man, to love him for who he is and where he was at, encouraging his journey forward, no matter what challenges may have come up. I would have been his rock, his shoulder to lean on and his partner – side by side, I wasn’t looking for a knight in shining armor, or someone to save me, but someone to walk beside me to share our lives journey; whatever it may have been or wherever it may had lead us to.

Over the last 4 months I have felt so many different emotions: anger (huge and very dominate in this journey), rejection (he became a trigger for past relationships and experiences), fear (so many things I fear- being alone, never been truly loved in this life time, never being able to love another on that deep soul connection, all before my time is up on this earth plain, just to name a few… haha – I know some of you can relate to this), hatred for myself, self-loathing, hated everything and everyone around me at some point, no longer wishing to be a part of this world – begging to be taken home.

You see it wasn’t just about him, he was a trigger in my life, bringing up past events and experiences, that I either hadn’t dealt with or had only touched the surface. My Grandfather dying when I was young – I felt he was my only source of love and connection; so once he was gone I had nobody (my parents were there, only the connection didn’t seem to be), being sexually abused by an uncle – trust not, stay hidden, keep those secrets, don’t speak of this, sexual desires and needs never been met throughout my adult relationships, then that brings me to past sexual relationships – the failures, the dysfunction, bad choices, a doormat, control, manipulation, abuse, and of course low to no self worth, self confidence or self-love. So it has been a rather challenging journey, one that I am still healing from and still discovering who I am, what I like, what I want, setting new goals and plans for my future (one I am still unable to currently see).

Feelings of having absolutely nothing, moving – friends and clients are all 3hours north- so no business (have to start all over again), my belongings – I have given almost everything away, no clients = financial struggle and the belief of not being able to get back on my feet – to move forward. Where do I go from here? Rebuild my businesses, look for work elsewhere or flounder in the worlds between reality and spiritual. It is so much nicer on the other plain, I don’t have to look at the reality of this world around me and its flaws, its destruction, its hurt, its pain, the manipulation and the downfall of mankind as we know it.

However, I will continue to wake each morning, setting myself daily goals until I can see my big picture, my plan, my journey and that one place to plant my feet, my grounding, my own place of happiness, joy and self-love. Attempting to live each day in the moment, releasing and healing the past, creating my masterpiece: ‘ME’.

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